Would You Hire A Boston Wing Woman?

Dating can be really easy for some and really difficult for others.  To add to the varying degrees of difficulty, there are so many methods to "meeting the one" or "meeting the one for right now."

You could go to the bar, you could have friends introduce you to someone, you could go to a singles gathering like 8-minute dating, you can sign up on a free or paid website for dates or for sex friends, or you can hire a stranger to pretend to be your best girl friend.

Wait, what was that last one?

That's right, you can now hire someone to pretend to be a good friend for the night and be your wing woman.

I've signed on to various email lists so that I know what's happening around Boston, and this morning Thrillist.com (which is mainly targeting guys) is highlighting a new business called HireaBostonWing Woman.com.

hireabostonwingwoman.com

Go ahead and check it out.  I'll wait.

*takes a sip of coffee...plays with the kitties...*

Okay, are you back?  What did you think?  Let me tell you what I think.

From first impressions, I think it's absolutely fascinating.  Really, it's a great business idea.  Take dating back to face to face interactions, and use the amazing relationship building skills of women to a guys advantage.

What girl hasn't been a wing man for a guy friend?  Some are definitely more successful than others, but it's a proven success.  If you just started dating a guy, you would want to know what his friends are like and you would definitely want to make sure his female friends approve of you.  This cuts through all of that by starting with female relationship building.

But wait...what happens if you hit it off?  What if the relationship goes really well and she asks, "Hey, where's that friend of yours that was at the bar the night we met?"

So, that's just really one question the website brought up to me.

What if the man is more attracted to the wing woman?  I'm sure that there are rules about the relationship between the man and the wing woman (mainly because it seems that if you're a lesbian trying to hire a wing woman, you've just got really bad mojo...but also because the site is geared towards helping guys).  The relationship probably has to be terminated.

Is this a new form of sex work?  Perhaps, except that the woman would almost be more like a pimp, pimping the guy out.  I'm not against sex work at all if the sex worker is not forced into the job by another person or by their financial situations - if you want to use sex to get money even if you still have the means to use other occupations, go for it!  But there's just something that feels really sneaky and sleazy about this mode of finding dates.  Which leads me to my next question.

Is the man hiring a wing woman out there trying to look for a serious relationship or just increasing his number of possible dates or just looking for a one night stand?  It seems that the website really leaves that open by calling the other woman "a woman of interest."  Whatever the guy wants, the wing woman is in charge of helping him get.  So, even if the guy is a complete and utter douchtard, it's your job to help him seem like an honorable human being.

Does hiring a wing woman insinuate that the man doesn't have any female friends?  To me, it sort of does.  If you were already a great guy, your girl friends would either want to date you or would want to help you find dates.  If you were already a great guy, your female friends would already want to look out for your best interest - and that includes weeding out the shady girls.  I guess one could argue that a guy wouldn't want to put his female friends in an awkward position like that.  But I really do believe that if you're worth it, your female friends will help you out.

There is definitely something to be said about this "new" way of getting a date.  All methods of finding a date has its benefits and its downfalls.

If you were to meet someone through a friend, things could be awesome - until things started going bad.  Would you lose a set of friends if your relationship went sour?

If you meet someone at a bar, most of the time they're intoxicated and probably not using the best judgement and neither are you. There's also a higher possibility of date rape.

If you go to a singles event, it could be a lot of fun and you can even do some networking.  But it's sometimes all to similar to being at a bar or club, except you know that everyone in the room is single.

If you meet someone online, there's no guarantee that their picture is the most accurate or most recent.  I've personally had someone tell me that they were black, and proceed to call me on their way over to let me know that they were actually whiter than white.  That's a story for another time, but you get my point.

So, I'm not necessarily against hireabostonwingwoman.com.  I really do think it's quite an ingenious concept, though it's not necessarily a new one (Go ahead and Google it).  But it does raise quite a lot of questions, as I'm sure online dating did when it first began.

At the end of the day, it's just another way to get dates by putting yourself out there - whether it's by being who you are or who you would like to appear to be.

The Social Worker and Goddess Collide

Living the double life has been tough in the past couple of weeks.

In my day job, I've engaged in multiple conversations about the state of the middle school students.

Things have been getting excessively rowdy, lots of walking out of class, lots of snide comments from the kids, lots of dating and sexual insinuations.

The hardest part about working in a school system is seeing where the system is failing.  And truth be told, the system is failing the kids in three-fold.

Several years ago, you'd think you were walking onto the set of a movie or t.v. show.  Strange announcements were being made on the PA system.  Kids were running rampant around the halls.  The older male gym teacher (who was really quite a pleasant person..at least to me...) was in charge of teaching Health (and possibly Sex Ed) to the middle school students.

Well, while things have changed, they've only become slightly better.  The announcements are no longer strange, but are followed by strange crackling and beeping noises (a la LOST).  Kids are strolling around the halls now, but there's a slightly faster response to it.  And the older male gym teacher was replaced by a younger more active female gym teacher (I've never seen the kids do jumping jacks...it was awesome!!!!). 

BUT, there's no Health or Sex Ed.

Education is Broken

In the 4 years that I've been at this school, I've seen a lot of things that just wasn't right.  But I feel like the lack of sex education is possibly one of the things I struggle with on a daily basis.

Part of what I do with the students is turn them into little activists and help them find their voices.  We work on "community service" projects together that they are able to choose and implement.  Almost every year, I can bet that one of the projects that students will suggest will have something to do with sex ed.

One year, a class wanted to set up some AIDS/HIV prevention, but that idea was shot down by the principal.  Another year, a class wrote and performed a skit about teen pregnancy.  This year, a class suggested distributing condoms in Downtown Boston, and a separate class suggested implementing a sex ed class.

This was the final scene of the play where the main character did a monologue speaking with her newborn daughter, 

talking about the possible difficulties she would be facing.  

I teared up something fierce.

Amazingly, these ideas came straight from the students themselves.  The struggle I feel comes from wanting to be able to provide accurate information, but knowing that it's not my job to do so and I could possibly get in deep trouble.

So, where does that leave us?  It's possible that the kids will be receiving health or sex ed in the spring (perhaps because spring is the only time they'll really need it?).  Regardless, the kids are basically begging to be educated.

Meanwhile, I've heard all kinds of stories, mainly from the adults in the building, about kids fooling around with each other, making out in the stairway, or having sex over the weekend just to have the male talk smack about the female on Monday.  It's horrifying really.

I'd love to be able to distribute information to the students.  A pamphlet.  A website.  Something.  Anything!

On one point, of course kids shouldn't be having sex.  I personally believe that if you don't even know your basic anatomy, you probably shouldn't be engaging in any sexual behavior.  I wouldn't be surprised if the middle school kids (ranging from age 11-14) wouldn't know their anything about their clitorises (clitori?) or their prostates. 

But why don't we start there?  Why don't we start at basic anatomy?

In fact, why don't we just start with sitting down to have a conversation?

*Le sigh*

I wish I had an answer.  I wish I was able to do something about this major issue before I move on to a different job.  But this is systematic.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I'm not giving up quite yet.

It has made me consider how to combine my day and night jobs to benefit children and families.  It's still a work in progress, but the spark is there.  Oh, yes...the spark is there.

"I've Never Had Sex..."

Have you ever played the game "Never Have I Ever"?

It's a fun and interesting game to play with friends and with people you've never met.  I believe the game also has different variations in the names, such as "10 Fingers."

For the over 21 crowd, it's a guaranteed good time as a drinking game, and for the younger crowd you can really gain some insight about who your friends are and what you'd like to try next.

Basically, one person says the statement, "Never have I ever..." and finishes the sentence.  Those who have done whatever the person noted has to take a drink or put down one finger.  Now, it could be as benign as never having left the country.  But it could, and often does get personal...very quickly!  By the end of the game, you'll know who's been the naughtiest of you all.

Toy Etiquette 101

So, I've already blogged about how to keep your toys in tip top shape with Sex Toy Care 101.  Now for another 101 course in Toy Etiquette.

Aren't toys just meant to replace partners?
No.  Most definitely not.  Our business isn't to replace people.  Toys are meant to enhance sexual experiences.  If you think your sex life is absolutely perfect and doesn't ever get boring, then you probably don't need sex toys.  But for the rest of us who like to change it up once in a while, a toy can be great for couples.

Yes, masturbation is a great single-person activity.  But every so often, you can bring your partner into the situation.  Let your partner handle the controls.  Let your partner watch.

Of course, if you're finding that you'd rather play with your toy than your partner...that's a whole different story, and probably a whole different blog post altogether.

What if I have nosey and curious guests?
Yikes.  No one likes nosey guests.  If you have a closet full of toys that you'd rather not share with the whole world, make sure it's in your bedroom.  If you have many guests over for a party, use the bedroom as a coat check, and keep the door closed most of the time.  Don't be a careless host and be conscious of what your guests are up to.  Most people wouldn't want to find out after the party that a priceless vase was broken and no one took responsibility for it.  I personally would want to know where my guests are and what they're doing.

You also wouldn't want to give them a reason to pry.  Make sure you put your toys away in a safe, clean place if you know people are coming over.  Yes, that includes your lube, lotions, and feathers.  If you don't want to give people ideas, don't let them see anything that would make them do so.

If you don't have the usual places to stash your toys, such as the bedside table drawer, Athena's carries 2 great products that protect your toys from prying eyes.  The Toy Box is a great place to hide your favorite couple of toys.  For the more advanced, we also carry the Adult Toy Chest.  All the pouches are equipped with Velcro(C), so it's easy to find exactly what you need.  I am currently using the Toy Chest for all my demo purposes.

Toy Chest

If I change partners, is it okay to use the same sex toys?
The answer to this question really depends on the person.  If you placed some emotional attachment to the toy in relation to the person, then it would probably be very difficult to re-use sex toys.  However, if the relationship was more casual, then you might be more willing to keep that toy.

This video was posted on jezebel.com, and I think it answers this question perfectly.

"Can I Use My Old Vibrator With My New Partner?" from Pot Psychology on Vimeo.

Now, obviously - and regardless of the situation - you want to keep your toys clean!  Depending on the material of the toy, it will hold on to the bacteria if you don't wash it.  Really, you could almost use this same advise for children's toys, which often get passed down to younger siblings.

Was that too gross of an analogy?  Sorry...

******

So, these are just the basics of Toy Etiquette 101.  The take away message?  Don't forget that while taking care of yourself is mainly a single-person activity, it doesn't mean it should intefere with another person's self care.

"Once you go Asian...."

I'd love to see how everyone would end the title phrase. Post in the blog comments!

I'm about to take this us on a more serious note here. So be forewarned.

As an Asian/Pacific Islander female, I'm quite conscious of - or at least I'm always trying to figure out - where I stand in the whole scheme of the dating world. I feel like there are still those who are not too culturally competent walking around and calling me "Oriental" (Do I look like a rug, yo?), and assuming that because of my ethnicity I will be docile (ha!) and submissive (..depends on the position, doesn't it?).

When I delved into the world of online dating (geez...3 years ago!), I made it quite clear: NO ASIAN FETISHES!

I'll admit because of the stereotypes placed on an entire continent, I get suspicious of those who actively seek out a specific ethnicity to date.

Now, obviously, "Are they contacting me because I'm Asian?" isn't the first thing that comes to mind. Really, it's "Is he cute? What's this guy like, what's he into?" But when you start learning that they've dated other Asian women and they have an interest in Asian culture, I don't think it's unfair to question their motives. I'm not saying, "Kick this guy to the curb!" I'm saying, "You better get to know this guy a little more before you decide to let him in."

Am I seeming unfair? Too bad. A girl can't be too safe these days.

"But what if a guy's just generally attracted to a specific type of person?" Then you've taken the time to find that out, now didn't you?

I'm not saying that all guys who are attracted to Asian/Pacific Islanders have a fetish (generally meaning that one thing is fixated upon and is the only thing to sexually excite a person). I'm just saying that there's a lot of history there, and you don't have to be paranoid about it...but be educated about the power dynamics that might pop up.

Historically, the Asian/Oriental/Eastern continent was seen as such a stretch from the European/Western/Christian point of view, that it and its people were labeled "exotic" and something to conquer. Richard Evans Lee from Amorous Propensities posted a review from Wall Street Journal about this bit in history. I definitely plan on picking up this book - both for the historical perspective and the apparently "titillating" stories.

Link: Wall Street Journal's review of Richard Bernstein's "The East, The West, and Sex: A History of Erotic Encounters."

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Now, for the other side. I'll be the first to admit that I generally am not attracted to men in my ethnic categorical box. It's the unfortunate problem that many Asian men have, but it's pretty awesome when you see Asian men dating outside of their race/ethnicity (generally not as common as other combinations).

So, while power dynamics have played a role in the history of interracial dating, it seems that we have moved forward in one way or another - choices can be made. Interestingly, this Slate article notes that the reason the European/Caucasian Male + Asian Female combination is so widely seen is mainly due to the neutrality of the Asian Female to the European/Caucasian Male - not really because of any of the male's preferences.
Slate Article: An economist solves the mysteries of dating.

Okay...so let's not be serious anymore. Enjoy this awesome and quite popular youtube video about dating in the Asian world.